Monday, March 14, 2016

Dear Daddy

I can't say that I will be blogging much this week. The anniversary of my biological father's death is coming up, Friday, March 18th, to be precise. I've made a habit of writing letters to him. Obviously, I know he can't read it, but it is cathartic for me. They say it gets easier, that life goes on. Well life does go on. However, when that time of year rolls around, it doesn't get much easier. I've been walking around with a knot in my stomach, which I don't think will go away until the 18th is over. But anyway, here goes.

Dear Daddy,

It's hard to believe that it has been fourteen years since you left us. Fourteen years. I remember the day that you passed away. I was in school, but mom told me around 7PM that night, since we were at a friends house for obvious reasons. When it was time to go home, I remember walking into the house and being flabbergasted that everything was gone. We had lived with oxygen tanks and medical equipment, and it was all just gone.Like it never happened. You weren't there either. God how I wished you were. I never gave you that kiss that morning, because I thought  you'd be there when I got home. That's a regret I will take to my grave. I know I was only 12, but still. 

I have NO idea what is going on in this photo, or what was being talked about. But this is one of my favorites of dad.

It's funny, only when holidays and stuff like that rolls around, do I ever think about it. I'm a mom now, but you know that already. If there is an afterlife, I hope you see Syrus, and I hope you know that he thinks about you. We tell him about his "pop-pop." I just truly wished that you were physically here to meet him. I know you would love him, and I know that you would be a proud grandpa to him. Oh, and you and Jeremy, you and he would've enjoyed long conversations, I think. 

I'm sure you know that Dan passed away last year. He was the closest thing I had to a father since you left us. But as mom says, "Tomorrow is promised to no one." Who knows, if there is a heaven, maybe you and him are bonding over a beer while watching over all of us down here. Who knew that AIDS and Cancer would touch our lives and take away people we loved the most. 

Easter is on it's way. So here is an Easter picture. I'm on the right. My sister is on the left. Happier times.

I cried today. I said something that I had never said before, or at least I don't remember saying it. I said "I want my daddy." I just kept saying it over and over. But you weren't there, nor would you be. You nor Dan will not be coming back. I just wished I could have one more day with you, dad. One day, just one, so you could meet Syrus. He has your cheeks, oh, how I see some of your mannerisms in him. It's funny. He's definitely got that Polish/Irish temper you and I and Jess are known for. 

Apparently, I inherited my love of hats from my father. Go figure. Both my uncles are on each end. 

I'm writing this today, because, well, I know I will be a mess on Friday. Jeremy made a cross we are going to paint to put by your grave. We're going to have Syrus help, too. You know dad, I resented you, I was fucking pissed and angry that the one time that you tried heroin, you couldn't use a clean needle. But I've held onto that anger for far too long. You paid the ultimate price, and left a family behind. The words I want to say to you is I forgive you, daddy. I forgive you for a crappy mistake you made when you were a young adult. I'm 26 now, and after fourteen years, I forgive you. 

I will always miss you. I will always think of you. Everytime I look at Syrus with Jeremy's dad, I have to walk away because it hurts to know that you'll never be here. But somehow, somewhere, I know that you are with us, and you always will be. We'll be setting a place for you on Friday, where we'll cook kielbasa and sauerkraut, one of your favorite Polish meals. 

I love you, daddy.

Always and forever your daughter, 

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