On Writing And Grief


There is nothing like a blank page that can both excite you and intimidate you at the same time. There is so much possibility within it, but what if I can't fill them with anything. What if what I write isn't good enough?

I've encountered this problem a lot lately. That's why there has been a huge lull within blog content. There was also a lot going on within my life. I had to watch cancer eat my stepfather alive, until he finally passed on July 9. It's been approximately two weeks today.

I'll admit that for the first week or so, a depressive episode took hold within me. I'm never going to be shy about my mental illness. It is a part of my life, but it doesn't rule my life. Regardless, suicidal thoughts began to take hold. I found pleasure in absolutely nothing. Bear with me, as I am getting to my point. I didn't even find solace within my son, but rather he annoyed me. But I cannot be the only mom who has encountered this, right? God, I pray not.

Grieving is such a delicate process. My son is taking it better than I am, he walks up to me and tells me to be strong and that he loves me. He certainly is a wise four year-old. I chose to visit my local emergency room to seek help. Not that they were much of it, because in the midst of all the chaos of my stepfather passing, my insurance was canceled, so I can't even get help until it kicks back in, and lord knows when that will be.

But I'm learning that life is a series of moments strung together by tiny moments that matter the most. And that is what I am holding onto. Those little moments, they are the ones that are going to get me through the rough days, the good days, the bad days, and all the days in general. I'm planning on coming out of this a stronger person.




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6 comments:

Kimberly F said...

So sorry to hear about your step father. Things will get better with time and it sounds like you have an amazing son to help you along the way.

Susie & Kate said...

Just keep doing what you are doing. Don't hide. Be you and just keep writing!! It can be the best form of therapy. You are not alone!!

Tinker In Me said...

So sorry for your loss. All I can offer is some prayers but yes that is what life is. Small moments help up weave beautiful memories which give us strength in difficult times.

Shann Eva said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your Step Father. You sound like you are doing the right thing taking care of yourself and your depression. I have suffered from anxiety/depression most of my life, so I understand being in that place. I hope they figure out your insurance. That just sucks when you know you need help.

Brooke Caputo said...

I love you, and really hope that we can help each other by reading our blogs. Misery loves company. lol. No, really, I'm here to support you - I live with depression and anxiety every single day and I don't wish it on anyone. Sending you lots of love. Brooke

CourtneyLynne said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your step father :-/ thinking about you and your family :):)