I want to say that today was better, but it wasn't. It was yet another bad day in a long row of bad days. When your life is nothing but a constant string of these bad days, what other way is there to feel than depressed?
I look at my son, and I want to find a piece of me that doesn't feel like the worst mom in the world, but I can't. That's all I feel when I look at him, that he shouldn't have to deal with someone like me. I feel like he really got the shitty end of the stick.
The pain that I feel on a constant basis? Don't even get me started on that. I can't even get the pain under control. I have to go to my mother's house on a daily basis so that I can get help watching my son.
I want to do things, but I lack the motivation behind it, which is a driving force in anything. You have to want to do it. There are days where I don't even want to get out of bed, but I do. Because I have to. I muddle through most of the time.
These are simultaneously the best and the worst times of my life. I have a beautiful and loving son, and an incredible husband. I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. I want it to be different. I want to want things again. I would say that I want to be happy, but even that seems unattainable.
I go to bed early because I don't see any point in anything. I'm on this medication that is supposed to make me feel like a human being again, but why isn't it working? I hope against hope everyday that I wake up that the new day will be different, that I won't feel worthless anymore.
Frankly, this depression bullshit is getting old really fast.