Being In Love Isn't All Butterflies And Flutters

I was up early the other morning because of my ever weak bladder, and it was raining, so that didn't help. But looking out the window, it was an incredible sight. We live right in the heart of Sussex, where we are surrounded by mountains, which we can see from the huge window in our living room. It's that time of year where the changing colors on the trees are so bright and bold that they stand out so beautifully against the backdrop of the gray skies. The sound of the rain has always made me happy, so my husband and I got up and made ourselves a cup of delicious organic coffee and turned on Spotify. This spawned one of our ever-philosophical conversations, as coffee typically does with us. Our love story did begin at Starbucks, after all.



We got to talking about what it's like to be in love with someone. When I was younger, I always thought that being in love was going to be some grand amazing experience that I would hold onto for the rest of my life, in that I would always feel that "feeling," every time I saw the person I was meant to be with. I think that the media has kind of brainwashed us into believing that whole shpiel of "happily ever after." I'm not saying that it can't be ever after, just that the media perpetuates the fantasy of "happily" ever after.

I thought that when I found "the one," that we would have minimal fights, always communicate, and there would always forever be romance and a spark there. Hooboy, was I off the mark. When I first met my husband, we had absolutely zero things to talk about. Our first conversations were mostly about what flavor ice cream we liked. Our second date wasn't much better. He came over to my house and sat in my bedroom in the corner while I looked out the window. It went on like this for two hours. We barely said a word to each other.



And yet, here we are. Married almost five years already. But in those past five years, I've learned quite a few valuable lessons about being in love and staying married. I remember my wedding night - don't worry, no dirty details here. I was six months pregnant and feeling like the Goodyear blimp, and we decided that we were going to Lancaster, PA for our honeymoon, a nice and quiet trip. We also thought that getting married in May would prove to be not too hot and not too cold, but yet again, we were wrong there. It was sweltering hot, and being pregnant, ugh, not a good feeling, because now I was a sweaty blimp. To boot, the air conditioning in our hotel rooms wasn't working. Of course. 

There were two separate beds in our hotel room, so that is how our honeymoon was spent, sleeping in separate beds. Totes romantic! I always used to laugh when people told me that the first year of marriage is the hardest. Wrong on yet another count. How awful we were that year. We fought, and fought, and fought and fought. There were times when we thought that we were for sure heading for a divorce. I thought that I wasn't in love because I didn't have those butterflies. 



One day, after one of our huge fights, I woke up and started crying. Because I realized something. Being in love doesn't require flutters every time you see that person, nor does it mean that we have to be constantly swept off of our feet. Being in love means that with that one person, you feel whole. Yes, I agree, that sounds horribly cheesy. But it's true. It's really a feeling of contentment, and taking in the little things they do, making us laugh, preparing dinner, stuff like that. I realized that if I didn't have Jeremy in my life, I don't know where I'd be. 

I don't mean that in a way of I would die without him, but I believe that he has helped shape me into a better person. If it were not for him, I would have never fully realized my dream of writing in the first place. For that, I will be forever grateful to him. He pushes me to move forward with my life, no matter the hardships I may face. He lifts me up when I am down, and has taught me the value of communicating with one another. In our vows, I promised that I would always be beside him, holding his hand. I only hope that I can provide the invaluable support for him as he has for me. 



Marriage is about treating each other as equals within the relationship. Sure, they say that you each have to give 50%, that it's a give and take relationship. At times, sure it probably is that fifty percent. But there are going to be times that your partner will give more of themselves for you, and vice versa. Marriage is about working problems out. Sure, sometimes that requires us to argue before we can get our thoughts straight. That happens to the best of us. What matters at the end of the day is that you're happy. If you feel happy in your relationship, content and loved, then you're golden. 

I think that it's time that we re-define being in love. 



 *I realize that everyone is different, and that the feeling of being in love for one person, may feel different to another. This post is just my opinion and view on the subject.

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31 comments:

Aimee @ Like Mother Like Daughter said...

I've been married 4.5 years and its interesting how much my perception of what I thought marriage would be has changed to what it is now. Glad you've been able to make yours work too, even with the humps and bumps along the way!

ThisIsTheLifeIHaveChosen said...

Great post. It's literally scientific fact that the butterflies are there just to get us to fall in love and don't last very long, but instead are replaced by love and intimacy (not the sexy kind but the "you really know me" kind). I'll take the you really know me kind any day.

Masshole Mommy said...

Marriage is definitley work. I almost get why some people give up so easily. It's hard sometimes.

Alisha Kostiuk said...

Thank you for sharing. I have been married for almost 14 years now and I find that as times goes on all of the little things that were so bothersome before don't really same to matter anymore. I think finding contentment with your spouse is very important. I can say many times through out these 14 years I wasn't sure if this is what I wanted out of life, was their more, will I ever be truly happy. I realized that true happiness is what I make it and it truly takes work, encouragement and patience to make my marriage what I wanted it to be.

Ronnie E. said...

Wow, fascinating read. I have been dating someone on and off for 3 years but all my family & friends tell me that he's not the one for me because I don't seem excited or passionately/madly in love as I did with previous boyfriends. But I think o to myself that my relationships with those boyfriends didn't work out in part because I was more in love and committed to the relationship and to them than they were to me. So it makes me wonder: what worth is there in being head-over-heels in love with someone and having those butterflies if it's mostly a reaction to an 'unobtainable' partner who is always making you chase after him? I prefer far more what you describe - someone who makes me feel whole, who makes me feel loved, who pushes me, who supports me and who I can do simple things with like make dinner.

Earl-Leigh said...

Yes ma'am! I love the concept of a fifty-fifty partnership but life doesn't work that way. Great post!

Heather Lawrence said...

I totally agree. My husband will admit the first three years of our marriage were HELL and it's only by the grace of God that we are still married. Just like two rough pieces of sandpaper we have to smooth down.
We have been married 13 years now and I can't imagine life without him in it.

Shari and Cathy said...

marriage is a lot of work. 17 years and counting. you have to be in it for the long haul.

Ben Butler said...

I LOVE this post. I've been with my girlfriend for 15 years, and the butterflies go away QUICK! Butterflies are just the excitement of something new. The real love comes afterwards.

Pam said...

Marriage is a lot different than you think it will be before you get married! I've been with my husband for 25 years now and it's still an adventure.

Maria Long said...

I have been married for 15 years, adn it was a little scarey but each year brings about new obstacles and challenges that bring about butterflies, they never go away.

Mary Johnson said...

And just when you have it figured out - it will all change

Shauna Torres said...

Awe... very sweet post. I have been married for almost ten years and it is true that every time I think our love is strong it just grows even more...

Helene Bludman said...

My husband and I just celebrated our 30th. Yes, marriage takes work, but hopefully the good times outweigh the bad.

Growing Up Madison said...

Marriage isn't a bed of roses, that I can truly tell you. Hubby and I have both been on the brink of divorce quite a few times but it does take commitment. We've been married almost 10 years and we're still a work in progress.

Liz Mays said...

The butterfly stage is lots of fun but the relationship is really real when the butterflies fly away. That's where the work, commitment and dedication to each other begins.

Melissa Vera said...

There are just not enough words that can describe how beautiful this post is. I have been married for over 20 years and I so love this post.

Mama to 5 said...

What a great post, sadly too many give up so soon and do not want to take their vows seriously and end in divorce. Great reminder that it does take work but well work it.

Trisha Grimes said...

Marriage is definitely a lot of work. I have an awesome husband but it still takes work to keep that spark.

I Thought I Knew Mama said...

Great post. Marriage is such a different journey for everyone and throughout the different stages of marriage.

Janeane Davis said...

I have been happily married for 24 years and one thing I have learned is that each marriage is different, unique and special. Once you learn what your marriage is, you can make it work.

Pauline Cabrera said...

I believe marriage is compromise, forgiveness and trust.

mail4rosey said...

The beginning and the middle are such two different entities, aren't they? The whole Cinderella/Prince Charming thing is so overrated. ;)

Unknown said...

I believe that marriage has the potential to be the most amazing and fulfilling journey of your life! Thank you for sharing.

Christy H.

DeDa Studios said...

Very good post - I am on 37 years and counting. Gosh I can not believe it has been 37+ years! You are so right some days are 50 - 50 ... others are 99-1 then your have the 1-99 days. I honestly think marriage is the hardest job in the world - right next to being a MOM.

BonBon Rose Girls Kristin said...

I'm thankful every day that I'm married to the man of my dreams...and an amazing father to boot!

Danielle Leigh said...

Fabulous post! And I LOVE your blog :) I hear exactly what you're saying here - honestly, there are only two people in the world that can drive me into a complete and total nasty girl RAGE... those two people being my mom and my husband (and they don't get along at all ;) But at the end of the day, I feel like I can finally relax once he and I are together again... chatting it up or sitting in silence.

Jaredamy said...

I love my husband so much too! He is my best friend and I couldn't live a happy life without him!

Taya Elery said...

Awww, what a lovely story. Marriage I hear has its ups and downs. I really can’t wait to be married. I’m engaged now, but no date set :)

Erlene A said...

Marriage is definitely work and not always fun and sunshine.

Michelle said...

It's true - love is the person you're willing to spend your life with, the person that makes you want to be a better person. At least for me it is. You still need occasional butterflies, but not 24/7.