Tuesday, September 23, 2014

The Top 5 Reasons Why My Kid Is Going To Get Me Arrested

Now, I was introduced as a child to a segment of some show that Bill Cosby did. "Kids Say The Darnedest Things." When I was that young, and even as I grew into a teenager, I always thought that these kids had to have been coached to say what they did on that show. Boy, how wrong I was. How wrong indeed. 

As I grew up, got married and had my own child, I learned just exactly how crazy some of the things that come out of a child's mouth are. Don't get me wrong, it is absolutely adorable, because they are coming into their own and learning all about the world around them, and when they try to express themselves, it generally ends up sounding like something way different than what we were thinking. This is exactly why I think that my child is going to get me arrested. 

"Oh, look honey! A police car! Wait a minute...."

Syrus has this habit, of when he gets to talking about something, he just keeps going, and going, and going. It's great! I love it when I can engage him in a conversation, or if anyone else can too, for that matter. He loves to talk, and I think he's either going to grow up to become an auctioneer or a lawyer, possibly both. But I digress. There are times within these conversations where he begins rattling on about something he did the day before or last week, or whenever. He remembers things from the strangest times. But these times are when some of the most horrible sounding things come running out of his mouth. I know what he is trying to say, but just can't articulate it correctly yet. As a mom, I think we all learn how to interpret what our kids are trying to say, but to a stranger or a passersby, these things can sound completely off the wall and downright awful. I'm always scared that there is a rogue social worker or police officer out of uniform that is going to catch the very tail end of one of these conversations one of these days, and then we're going to be in real trouble! 

Here are just a few of my favorites. 

1. "I Like Being High, Mommy!"

*Actual step-ladder
not shown.
Yup, he said that. Out loud, in the middle of one of our grocery shopping trips. I was picking up a prescription, and of course, there were tons of people in the store that day (it was a weekend,) and Syrus suddenly began talking about how much he enjoyed the other day when I had helped him onto a step-stool. I let him walk up to the second step, held his hand the entire time and then he came down. But instead of saying "I really liked that step-stool, mom!" He yells at the top of his lungs, "Mommy, I LIKE BEING HIGH!" I turned every shade of red in the Pantone catalog. At first, I was flabbergasted at what had come out of his mouth, and then I laughed about it. But the looks we got! 

2. "Poppy, Are You Going To Beat Me?"

Isn't there a better way to say it?!
Okay, if you've parented a young toddler, than you know exactly how hard it is to get them to eat, even just a small little morsel. Just one more bite. We've done the no-snack-if-you-don't-eat-that-carrot, and exhausted our no-playtime-because-you-didn't-eat-your-meat. So, one time, when we were at my in-law's home visiting them as we do each weekend, Syrus grandfather (or poppy, as he likes to call him,) decided to turn it into a game. Poppy had a plate of food, and Syrus had a plate of food. Syrus had smaller portions, of course. But Poppy came up with a little game of I-Bet-I-Can-Finish-My-Food-Faster-Than-You-Can. Syrus thought this was absolutely the best thing ever. Obviously, we didn't expect him to lick his plate clean, but it did get a few extra veggies in him and slightly more protein than if he hadn't played this game. But, I don't think we'll be playing it again anytime soon, because afterwards, Syrus kept asking if Poppy was going to beat him again - as in, "I'm gonna beat you! I'm gonna eat faster than you!", but again, to an outsider, to hear that, I'm certain would have CPS at our door quicker than you can say "dinner time."

3. "Help me! Help mee! Hellllllpppppp Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

This is just a phase he is going through and will eventually grow out of.
Ah, this took place during another shopping trip. My husband and I were out shopping at the local Wal-Mart, and Syrus was sitting in the cart, just chatting away. Out of nowhere, all we hear is HELP ME! HELP MEEEEE! HELPPPP MEEEEEE! This occurred shortly after we had passed a fire extinguisher, so I think that that may have had something to do with it, but I certainly can't be sure. He had been learning about fire safety earlier that week, which is where he would have learned how to yell for help. His yelling went on for a good two minutes, during which he stood up in the cart. If you didn't know my kid, or me for that matter, you would think we were kidnapping him. Eventually, we were able to calm him down, after which we taught him that you only yell for help if it is a real and true emergency. He still does this now and again, just not as loud or dramatically. 

4. "Mommy, I'm taking pills!"

I learned that day, to stop taking my morning medications in front of him. 
If you've been with this blog for awhile now, you'll already know that I have been diagnosed with a few mental illnesses, OCD, Depression and Anxiety. Because of them, I take medication to keep my symptoms under control. I keep my medications locked up high in a closet away from Syrus. Only a key that I have opens up the lock box. However, this apparently does not stop my child from pretending that he is being like mommy. This past Easter, after he had received his baskets from both sides of the family, we were home finally, ready to relax. Syrus wanted a piece of candy. Okay, harmless enough. One piece was all we were going to give him. So, he wanted a little bag of M&M's. Out of the living room (I was in the kitchen,) all I hear is MOMMY, I'M TAKING PILLS! Needless to say, I dropped everything and ran into the living room. Could I have dropped one? Just as I start to freak out, Syrus shows me the dozen or so M&M's candies he has on the couch in front of him. Oh my god, did he really just say that? 

5. "My Butt Itches"

To say that each new day is an "adventure" is an understatement!
One Sunday morning, my husband and I decided that it would be nice to go out to breakfast as a family, just the three of us. I wholeheartedly agreed. So, we all got dressed, and wrestled Syrus into his clothes (he's in that phase of not wanting to do anything mommy or daddy says,) and got into the car. We didn't go far, as there is a diner right down the road from us. As we got settled into our booth, a sweet waitress with bright eyes and a wide smile came over to take our drink order. We typically let Syrus order his own drinks and food. Today was no different. We thought he would order a chocolate milk. Instead, he looked our waitress dead in the eyes and said "I have diaper rash. My butt itches." "You're kidding me, right kid? You're making it sound like we never change your diaper." Luckily, she just laughed it off and engaged him in conversation, getting his attention over to coloring his place-mat instead, but this kid never ceases to amaze me with the things he comes up with. 

And, for the record? 
It's true
Kids do say the darnedest things. 
But I wouldn't trade it for the world. ♥


Janine Halloran said...

This is hilarious! Kids have no filters, it's funny and can be somewhat alarming!

Athena Nagel said...

I love these and totally get what you feel. I can't tell you how many times I have heard something come out of my kids' mouths - and what is worse, my response - and thought "never in a million years would I have imagined I would be saying that"...For example my 13 year old autistic son comes home from school and says to me (regardless of where we are or who is near me) - "I pooped at school today... And in the toilet...And I didn't break the toilet..." And naturally every single time (regardless of where we are or who is near me) I respond just like it is the first time he has ever gone on the potty...

Ecuador InMyEyes said...

Once before Christmas at a shopping mall there was the usual Christmas madness going on and speakers were blaring with at least three missing children. My son was screaming his lungs off and a mall cop actually came to me and demanded me to present papers showing that he was my kid and I was not kidnapping him. Luckily he calmed off and I did have papers.

Susan Evans said...

Oh my gosh, I totally needed this today! Hahahaha! I think our kids keep us humble!

The Positive MOM said...

Kids do definitely say the cutest things. I love Bill Cosby! And your little one is adorable!

debbie jean mcmullen said...

LMAO these are hilarious - they remind me of some of the things my kids say - at the worst times of course!

Candace Celmer said...

Kids say hilarious things. I love it. Nothing is better than a 2-4 yr old talking like an adult.

Heather Painchaud said...

Picture this: we are on our way to Disneyland and have had all the safety talks with our six year old twin boys. We arrive at the airport and Isaiah says to the first security guard he sees "don't worry, we didn't pack any bombs!!!" Kids say the darnedest things ;). Great post!

bxcrochet said...

Those are funny ones. My daughter is always saying the funniest things too.

Michelle F.

Cheshire Cat said...

Kids are so funny, and creative about it too!

Masshole Mommy said...

Haha, my kids have said stuff like that. It cracks me up!

Kung Phoo said...

Those are pretty good!! the pills, i remember saying that with smarties.

Jessica Harlow said...

I've got a kiddo that keeps it interesting with all sorts of things that come out of her mouth! She just started preschool this year and I cannot wait until PTC to hear what she's been telling her teacher?! lol

Erinn Sluka said...

My Butt itches-lol. My son has a scratch on his nose he got wrestling with his brother-I go into his classroom and he was asked what happened. He says "I will get in trouble if I say" I got an odd look. NO!!! I never told him that-I swear he just thinks I will punish him for wrestling :-) My lord, child!!! Way to make me look guilty!

Maggie King said...

This is great! I'm glad my kids isn't the only one!

AdinB said...

Oh my goodness! I gotta say this is hilarious. Your kid is. But I do understand about other people not understanding what your kid really is saying. I have a few of that happened to me before. Kids sure say whatever their little minds thin of. Oh dear! That "my butt itches", crack me up. Oh kids! Thanks for sharing your mommy and kid experience.

Brain Power Boy said...

Well, at least he has no trouble expressing himself and saying what he thinks--that will likely come in handy down the road :)

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